7 Insights on Uncomfortable Emotions
Practical Insights on working through Intense and Uncomfortable Emotion. “If you let cloudy water settle, it will become clear. If you let your upset mind settle, your course will also become clear (buddha).”
1. Holding Space
The first thing is to realize that emotion is an entity that we can observe...
Instead of saying “I feel like this…” which makes us identify with what is going on and can lead us to really become it and feel it more. Try saying “A part of me feels this way…” You can begin to separate yourself from the situation and create space for this emotion.
On a quantum level, we are all just energy. Emotions feel like energy moving very fast. Separating yourself from what is happening there allows you not to add to the momentum. I will occasionally say “I welcome this uncomfortable emotion” (In my head or out loud) with the intention of releasing it and/or learning something from it. This allows me to let it sit there with the recognition and awareness behind it, instead of trying to Ignore how that part of me is feeling or becoming the emotion. There is nothing to solve, there is only the emotion to experience. Also, the stress of not wanting to feel what I’m feeling dissipates.
2. Perspective
Let go of wanting to be in a different state or not wanting to be where you are.
Sometimes I just think to myself. Wow, it is cool that I can experience this. This is really cool that as an energetic being animating this human body I have the ability to feel this emotion. Nothing (Emotion) can hurt me. Asking rhetorical questions such as: What is the worst thing that can happen? Then reminding myself as well (For emotions that are in response to something including other people) that I will always have myself and I have everything that I need creates a sense of empowerment. Also on that basis, there is literally nothing that I can seek from somebody else that I cannot get from myself. If anything What can I learn from this? Then I feel the return back to the now.
3. Presence
When we aren’t present, our body is acting and reacting to past thought or what we focus on.
I went to a meditation course for a bit and the teacher taught me something that really made so much sense in the way she put it. She was explaining how humans are like pictures. We take in all this information and remember moments from the past since we first came onto this earth. There is nothing we can do to stop our conscious or unconscious mind taking in information but what is important to recognize that the only thing that is real is this present moment. We all have our own reality filters and can think of things that happened in the past or things that feel so real in our head which we feel could occur in the future. At the end of the day, none of that is actually occurring. I know it can sound sort of ignorant but say your friend texts you that they’re at a party and you didn’t go because you were sick. You start to envision that they are having the best time and talking to all these people who you wanted to chat with and play party games with. The maladaptive stress reaction brings you to believe that this is what is actually happening and a part of you starts to feel jealous or like you’re missing out. Well, the truth is that even though your friend is at the party, you have no idea what is actually happening there and to assume something out of infinite possibilities is sort of a waste of time. It also does not feel very good. In moments like that stepping into the present and reminding yourself that this moment in front of me is all that exists allows those thoughts to diminish. Also, if it’s a comforting thought, most if not all times our assumptions are completely wrong. Your brain is just assuming what’s happening based on its own experiences.
The best way to get into a state of presence without meditating or focusing on breath first is to imagine you’re looking through virtual reality. At this point in time putting Virtual Reality on is still fascinating and sometimes it just looks too real. So you sort of look around at all the details and walk around with a sense of curiosity. You look around and you're focused on all the little details such as the sun hitting the leaves or the shadows. So see reality like that. Just be curious and really look at the details without labeling them. Over time, it will just become more natural anyway and you’ll find that you are present even when you’re not feeling in a funk and you feel the aliveness pour into other areas of your life.
So if it’s sunny outside, I’ll go grab a fruit and step into an area that is getting sunlight so I can feel on my skin. We all love to eat and paying mindful attention to the fruit (instead of eating to distract) and feeling gratitude while sensing the grass under your feet and feeling the sun on your skin. Even just choosing one sense to focus on that feels best for you (for me it’s usually touch or taste). This allows really feels grounding and brings a sense of calm. I also enjoy putting music on that makes me feel alive and really feeling each note in my body. Sometimes even just cleaning my room and really paying attention to all the colors and textures that I am touching feels good for me. Then there’s just stretching and yoga as well, feeling your muscles releasing that tension.
Do anything and do it with presence. It is pretty cool that we can be aware of and observe these emotions. For some reason, we grew up thinking they were us when really it’s just a temporary part of us. Indeed, humans are some complex beings.
4. We are Human
Emotions are chemicals.
“Your body is your unconscious mind. It doesn’t know the difference between an experience in your life that creates an emotional response and an emotion that we fabricate by thought alone. To the body, it’s believing, it’s in the same environmental conditions. When we react to conditions in our life, there is an emotional component that begins to create chemistry in our bodies because the body is interpreting an emergency situation. All organisms in nature are designed for short term stress. Gazelle gets chased by a lion, 15 minutes later it goes back to grazing and everything returns back to balance. Human beings are a little different. We can turn on the stress response just by thought alone. We can think about some past bitter memory that’s tattooed in the recesses of our gray matter and like magic, it comes to life and at that moment, it’s real.” ( Dr. Joe Dispenza // Neuroscientist and Author )
You are not broken. Everything happens for a reason. You are not broken. You are where you need to be. This emotion is going to allow you to evolve. Nothing that you cannot handle will cross your path. An opportunity to observe your behavior and you can join the dialogue and participate, guide, influence, grow and learn from it. It is also freeing to know that the subconscious remembers every split second of your existence and so a lot of emotional reactions you have really are just based on past experiences. What this means is that you know that emotions come from something that is deeper than you have conscious control over and by that knowledge, you know there is nothing to control or identify with.
5. Transmute
We are alchemists.
We have the power to transmute emotion from something with little value (in the grand scheme of things), into a substance of great value. In Buddhist tradition, there are these two terms called Satori and Kensho. In the way that it was explained to me, I understood Satori to be growth from sudden insight and Kensho to be growth from temporary pain. Emotions that are commonly painful to humans would be anger, frustration, displeasure, and annoyance which usually comes from wanting to change the situation. Someone once told me that the highest mind is made up of these three ideas: Acceptance, gratitude and a pure attitude. Start with acceptance in transmuting the pain into growth by simply asking What can I learn from this? You may not have an answer at the very moment but eventually, it’ll come to you. Don’t force it but if there is room too, feeling a sense of acceptance for where you are and knowing that this too shall pass and that this is temporary feels freeing. Then focus on the gratitude. Maybe just writing a list of three things that bring you bliss. Maybe it’s drinking that cup of Green Tea in the morning. Maybe it’s washing your hands with your blood orange scented soap. Maybe it’s having just that little piece of your favorite chocolate left in the kitchen cupboard (Hidden away from your family so they don’t find it and eat it). It’s always the little things. At this point, there will be at least a small sense of neutrality. That’s a pure attitude. The one that doesn’t see anything really as good or bad but just as it is and can accept that while knowing good things are still here at this moment.
6. Diverting Attention
At this point, the emotion may still be there but with a sense of acceptance, the feeling of is there. Also, it is normal (for especially more intense emotions) for the feeling of acceptance to disappear and for the emotion to fully be there. That is okay, sit there and feel it even more. Hold even more space for it. Maybe go to a different room or change your environment and dedicate time to hold it, send love to it and honor it.
After a while maybe speak affirmations, out loud or in your head, to yourself. It is okay to feel this completely. I am where I am meant to be right now. I feel you and I see you. You are safe in your expression. Life is not falling apart, it is coming together.
If you feel like doing something physical. Go to whatever you’re drawn to. For me, it’s usually dancing, singing, stretching, exercising or literally sitting on my bed staring at the ceiling and letting the momentum pass by focusing on the breath. Sometimes I’ll watch a feel-good movie or a childhood movie because a sense of calm and it’s all going to be okay comes over me. Even listening to an old song that reminds me I was okay before this happened and I will be okay after because this emotion is just putting a temporary filter over my experience.
7. Expressing
You have the right to express your difficult emotions in a healthy way.
That can be punching a pillow for a straight ass minute or screaming really loud in your basement. I understand that it is nice to be held and cuddled especially when you feel intense emotions. But again, nobody has the responsibility to deal with your emotions. You want to understand that hearing other people’s emotions can be draining and not everyone has the capacity to hold space for other people all the time. That being said, there are people who care about you and want to hear about what is going on. In respect for the other persons well being and state (It may take a few times before it becomes a habit), go for it and ask Do you have the space to hear this? From personal experience, hearing this allows me to get present and really be there 100% percent to receive this person’s experience with an open and calm mind, rather than a reactive one. Two reactive minds never solved anything.
Journaling is the main one I go to. It allows me to write things down in any way without judgment. Just put it all on paper. It also allows me to observe it after I’ve absolutely released everything. The physical act of writing releases some momentum. Also, with journaling, you can sort of write what you’re going through as an observation. Ah yes, I am feeling this because this occurred and a part of me wants to blame that and so it brings out this feeling. Plus, in movies, I always thought it was neat how girls would write in their journals what was happening. The concept of I've been there allows you to form an even deeper connection and compassion for those around you.